FINALLY: actual filmic proof that Shipley sounds like a pterodactyl.

Get the feeling this new charity shop in Bury didn't really think through their slogan.

Guest Reader's Cats Of The Week: Colbie and Charlie

Names? 
Colbie and Charlie

Nicknames? 
Colbie: I was once referred to as ‘Princess Colbie,’ which I found quite fitting. I tried to enforce it at home but the only time it is used these days is when I’ve done something bad. I’m also referred to as Colbatron (my transformer name), Colb, Big C, and – due to an unfortunate incident that involved a microchip and an illiterate vet – Colbik.

Charlie: Prince Charles, Little C and Crazy Dave (my DJ name)

Theme Tune? 
Colbie: I don’t like music.

Charlie: Ho Hey by the Lumineers. I like to purr along when Charlotte sings it to me

Age? 
Colbie: 3 and a half

Charlie: 2 and a half 

Owners? 
Charlotte  and Luke

Brief biography? 
Colbie: I was born in Derby and was the last of my brothers and sisters to go – no-one really wanted me. One day Charlotte came by with her mum, and when she saw me said “she’s perfect” to which I thought “finally, someone see’s me for who I really am.” We were great together.. and then she introduced Luke into the mix, followed by another cat and a rabbit, and life has been a grumpy haze ever since.

Charlie: Charlotte decided it was time to expand the family and started hunting for cats to buy. Luke said no because ‘one was enough’ but as soon as he saw me he changed his mind and I was home within a day. I’ve lived in the same house since and love making friends and eating treats. Everyone knows me around these parts, everyone loves me.

Catchphrase? 
Colbie: “Don’t touch me”

Charlie: “Is this seat taken?”

Favourite Habits? 
Colbie: Sleeping under the trees in the garden

Charlie: Getting comfortable on peoples laps

What constitutes a perfect evening for you? 
Colbie: Eating my dinner, stealing Charlotte’s dinner, going to bed alone, being left alone, crawling into bed with them and my cat teddy when they look like they might be asleep, purring like a madman because secretly I love them but don’t want them to know.

Charlie: Eating my dinner, stealing Luke’s dinner, playing with my catnip mouse, sitting in a hundred different seats, getting comfortable on the sofa and watching TV.

Favourite food? 
Colbie: Tuna - we don’t really have it in the house very often anymore though because Charlie is allergic. I’ve added it to my list of grievances.

Charlie: Everything

Defining moment of your life? 
Colbie: The time a dog ran at me as Charlotte and Luke were standing nearby. Luke stood there with his mouth open, Charlotte threw herself in the way of the dog and starting shouting at his human companions (one of the few things I thank her for) and I completely embarrassed myself by running at full speed into the fence and cutting my face open.

Charlie: Trying to be human and throwing myself into a very hot bath. I had to be shaved and kept hearing Charlotte and Luke muttering something about ‘that bloody £400 vet bill’ but I survived and now I can take on the world.

Any enemies? 
Colbie: A black and white kitten that looks exactly like me and tricks everyone into thinking it’s me by hanging out in my garden.

Charlie: Poppy the house rabbit

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be? 
Colbie: Cat flaps and cheesey biscuits for everyone

Charlie: No house rabbits

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why? 
Colbie: The Bear. I think we’d have a lot to talk about.

Charlie: Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He is seriously cool

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with? 
Colbie: The Bear. See above.

Charlie: Pablo

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Guest Writer's Cat Of The Week: Vincent Black Shadow

Name? 

Vincent Black Shadow, though I am technically female 

Nicknames? 

Vincent or Catkin

Theme Tune? 

Music is not really my thing and unfortunately, I am going slightly deaf, but my owner thinks the overture from ‘The Thieving Magpie’ contains the right mixture of menace and skittishness.

Age? 

Only I know the truth- and I’m not being coy here. However when the vet looked at the plaque on my teeth (not particularly pleasant for either of us), he suggested I could be twelve.

Owners? 

Again, I’m the only one who knows the whole story. My present owner is Annabel Markova and I’ve been with her for two and a half years. Before that I lived with her daughter, Sasha, for a few months.

Brief biography? 

Mysterious, like everything else. Sasha found me wandering on a busy road in Brixton, about to get run over. So she took me home, fed me, then put me outside her front door, thinking I might want to return to my owner. But I refused to budge- a wise decision, as it turned out.

Catchphrase? 

‘What will be will be’. Like most rescue animals, I’m a fatalist.

Favourite Habits? 

Lying on my owner when she’s relaxing on the sofa watching television, and putting my arms around her neck.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you? 

Finding a mouse in a wardrobe full of old shoes. Failing that, finding a good spot by the radiator when the central heating is full on and knowing company is in the house even if I don’t feel particularly sociable.

Favourite food? 

Grass. It immediately makes me want to be sick on the carpet and that’s a surefire way of grabbing my owners attention, even when she’s completely absorbed in writing.

Defining moment of your life? 

Being picked up off that street in Brixton.

Any enemies? 

All other cats. I love a fight.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be? 

Forbid owners ever to go on holiday s all catteries would have to be shut down.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why? 

Assuming I am allowed to choose a dead one, it would be the American author Hunter S. Thompson because he immortalised the hand-built motorcycle which I am named after. He was also a bit of a rebel, just like me.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail  would you like to be stuck in a lift with? 

None.  I am quite certain we would fight. And I would win. Of course.  

Annabel’s new novel, The Family Thief   is published as eBook by Blackfriars (the new literary e-imprint from Little, Brown), on June 6^th, £3.99.

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